I HAVE DISAPPEARED

I have been gone for a long time but I am back. Expect  something from now on

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A day in the saloonp

 

My daughter dyed her hair blue. Blue I said.

Funny some 20 odd years I also braided my hair with a blue hair piece. I didn’t realize it last year when she was looking for a blue hair dye. I looked at her kind a awkwardly however her look  for it. I totally forgot that I once went through that phase of color.

For me then it was a vibrant color, youthful for me. The color suited my skin color. Haha by then I was aspiring to be a business manager. Imagine business manager with blue hair. Now it is my daughter with the same hair color. When she came home with dyed her I was amazed actually surprised that she finally got what she wanted.

Yes it might come as a surprise to you but the daughter is following in mom’s footsteps however differently so. My mom seemed kinda more stable not the venturous type when coming to her looks. She was more of lady than I could ever be. (God bless her soul).

People’s comment seemed not have any effect on me, didn’t bother at all. Yeah it still does not. My daughter seemed to have inherited the same trade which is good for her.

Her son was mesmerized by her look, kept on touching her and complimenting her. Saloon is part and parcel of every woman’s life. Home or otherwise it is part of who we are and who we become.

My baby is bluetiful. Love her look.

 

A day at the saloon

One has to go through this at least once in their life. Getting hair done can sometimes be exciting or tiring depending on the mood you are in. Sitting the whole day at the saloon can be quite an eventful day. Yeah eventful.

You know mos coming to hair business loyalty is key, it goes both ways. It takes skill from the person who does your hair both in their trade as well as people skill. You’ve got be able to charm both male and female without becoming overbearing or suffocate your clients.

Contracts-the lack or availiability thereof for artists

Today one had to prepare a contract between two artists, boy it was not an easy task I tell. I realized that there is a lack of readily available contracts for fine artists. I am not one to give up easily but in this regard it took a lot out of me hence the need to say my bit. Shoo artists are in a dog eat dog  world with ruthless people who take advantage of them. They are taken for a ride by people who want to pay less for artist’s original work. Their rights are violated. This makes me wonder what other challenges do they have? How can one bridge the gap in assisting them? The much publicized fallout between Generations actors and the writer sort of got me thinking about artist rights. How do we treat them, are they employees with benefits, contract employees with no benefits just like temps or independent contractors? I always believed artists work differently to normal 9 to 5 workers. I believe they are disciplined even though like any human beings they are bound to misbehave, most are hard workers though they may seem lazy cos we are not in touch with their world. I salute of them cos it takes sum guts to choose the artist root. I know that when some of them were asked by their parents what do they want to be when they grow up when they mentioned the fine artist they were asked what does it entails, they would explain rather excitedly only to be disappointed when asked haven’t they drawn enough when they were at school however we have to understand that parents, grandparents are concerned that they may be wasting time drawing. I also was once cynical to performing artist in particular DANCERS. I would look at them dancing and think out loud “and they will tell you that they are tired, from what jumping around like that?”. Lazy buggers. They want to see their children prosper in life you know marriage, kids, houses and cars.  Well life is full of surprises I tell you. People find employment in the art industry as it is vast and has a lot of opportunities both skilled and unskilled. Yep it does provide food on the table for people who initially had nothing to do with art or never thought this industry will provide anything to them. Everybody has a bit of a share in the art industry. I salute you ARTISTS keep on grinding the stone. MUCH RESPECT.

artwork done by Rethabile Irene Ndhlovu

Artwork done by Rethabile Irene Ndhlovu

IF wishes were horses

You are going to pay for all  their  sins whether you like it or not. He has been watching you over a period of time. He thought you were dating his acquaintance and only to find that you were just buddies. Very close buddies at that. He tried to find out as much as he could about you but there was nothing. His friends tried to dig as much as possible but nothing came out except the usual staff like where you usually hang out.

He followed you everywhere without you realising it. He started greeting you and at first you responded by looking at him and walking away. Then you needed a sit in the train and he stood up, offered it you and you accepted. he started to wait for you in the morning and afternoon alike.Ensured that he saved a sit for you next to him. as time goes by he started chatting. warming you up without realising it.

Then the train was late and you complained how tired you were and looking forward to taking a warm bath with a glass of wine and a slice of  chocolate cake.That was the icebreaker he needed. he acquired the courage to ask you out on a date and you agreed. he got you. he punched the air in his mind.

he went home smiling and thanking God and his ancestors for the opportunity. He has been discussing you with his confidantes and you already had their approval. It was just a matter of time for him to close the deal. You are his big deal. He didn’t want to string you along his journey of discovering himself again. yeah he had issues that he needed to sort out. He ensured that you never find out about them from other sources.

you warmed his heart each time he saw you. normally people with high walls love deeper and he was like that with you.You stole his heart no matter how hard he tried to deny it. You are the love of his life just his problem is he regrets not meeting you earlier in his life. then he would have shared with you everything he has faced. all the challenges. but now ” if  wishes were horses he would be riding all of these horses.  He  sleeps  with  a smile  and wakes  up with one because of you.

We all have history

I believe we all have history however how we see it or use is up to us. From the day  we  are  born we write our own history, just that as time goes we tend to be forgetful and spiteful depending on the circumstances at that particular moment.

We all have secrets we don’t want other people to know even our soul mates. We are either ashamed of them or rather want to forget them or block them out of our lives for that moment.

I was burnt too many  times  that trust is not in my vocabulary ever. It does not rhyme with me at all. I am enclosed a glass bottle that is so fragile that it has to be handled with care. I take everything with a pinch of salt irregardless of the person or the circumstances.

I know you have your history too but you are not coming forth with the information either however it suits me fine. You are expecting me to accept everything as it comes from you.That I should trust you, believe you and do as you want me to. What about me? My history has made me the soul that caught your whatever.

Throwing money at our histories won’t make it go away or acceptance of your being very easy. I can tell there is a story about you but I don’t know the details cos that’s how we all want it to be. I have been lied to many times to an extend that my tolerance of bull is way too low. I protect myself or rather hide my true self by all means that hurting anyone comes easy to me. I understand that you are slowly shedding yourself a bit everyday however it is not easy for me either. I wouldlove to trust you and take everything in but it’s not easy. Either we take baby steps or will forever be at loggerheads with each other as i am headstrong just like you.

Ihave one question though, what makes you so special? Your previous stories have a way making themselves visible however way they feel like and you just want them to be ignored but it’s not easy. I understand that stalking is illegal but what i want to know how do you explain it to anyone.

Last night I became one

If you didn’t die would I have been your conquest ? I mean would I  still be a one night stand? I learned about your death years later after that night. apparently you graduated top of your class and you did your experiential learning at the same hospital even worked there for 3 years. During that 3 years you were looking for me, searching for me high and low. You met your death coming from my house, devastated and despondent.

Apparently you once came looking for me and I was neither here or there. You tried leaving messages for me but alas no response from me. You even came several times to my house but all these efforts yielded no results. You also saw me and tried to get my attention but I just looked at you and never responded. I turned and walked away from you. You even comforted me when my father passed on. You were there with me.

I just can’t remember how we ended in bed together that night. How did we meet? I can’t remember even your man however someone keeps on telling me about you, how looked for me after that night. The fact that I ended up in bed with you still haunts me. Actually bothers me a lot. We met that night but we ended sleeping together. However I am grateful to have met you. You were a true gentleman. Condoms were not easily available back then but you had them and you ensured we used them and properly at that. You made sure that I got home safe even if you didn’t take me there but you ensured that I arrive safe and you phoned to confirm that I got home safe. You even told me that you don’t trust the transporter however you were a beggar so we didn’t have a choice but to accept his offer to take me home. Well I was the 1st to be dropped at home as per your request and was given money to come next week again as you wanted to see me again. I wasn’t so sure about it. The money was shoved into my pockets. Never  used it though I was waiting for your call.

I can’t remember anything except that we ended up in your friend’s couch for the night. I remember the light, sitting on the stoep and a group of people sitting in a circle though. You came and occupied the next to me and the guy who was sitting moved to another chair. you ignored everybody. It was like we were in our own  world until it was time to sleep and you remembered that you don’t have a place to sleep for the night. You asked to wait for you while you spoke to your friend who already offered us his couch.

You told me your dreams. Time and again you would tell me that you were from Natal. You came here to study and you have to fulfil that promise as you come rural area and a poor home. You wanted to improve your parent’s life back home. It was exam  time the Monday we woke up together you were writing your last and very important exam and you had few more hours still left on your experiential learning. You apologised though for what was happening right and promised to make it right. You begged me to forgive you for not being there for me. You told me that you will work here for a few years and move closer to your home and if I was willing to come with you start a new life in another province with a new family. You told you were getting a car because you were tired of travelling with buses and taxis.

I heard you graduated cam laude and your parents were flown  from Natal to your graduation. Apparently your older brother threw a hell of a party. I also a shout out from your brother daring me to show my face. Apparently your family wanted to meet me now that they were here. I wonder what did you tell them about me. Did you even remember my name though cos I can’t remember yours? maybe I chose to forget it because you became one of those bad memories. I think you hurt me deeply and emotionally so hence I only remember snippets of our meeting.

Today I would like to bid you farewell. I would like to forget you, move on with my life. I would say we were not meant to be. It’s one of those but know this you taught me how to use a condom, be wary of guys like you and be strong never show emotions.

We made love or had sex all through out the night. we used all 8 condoms you had. You woke me up each time I fell asleep in your arms. You told me how much loved me even if we just met. You told me that you will be leaving early in the morning and indeed you woke me up at around 04:30 am to shower with you. We looked for cups to make coffee or tea whilst you were waiting for your transport to school and you had to go extra early to finish up whatever I never knew never bothered to ask. You had your backpack with your books. I paged through and you asked if I married you would I like to study your field of study full-time? You would pay for me. I just looked at you never responded. Your hands cupped my face in your hands kissed me passionately time and time again until you heard a tap on your shoulder. It was the transport guy. He came for us. He dropped of at the gate of the university, again you kissed me, only this time tears rolled down my face and you wiped them begging for forgiveness. I did not like the way you were letting me go. The transporter consoled me along the way that he is certain I wasn’t a one night stand for you. His words were ” you are beautiful and my boy would be a fool to let such a beautiful girl walk away from him just after 1 night.” He saw love in your eyes. He has known you for several years and he has seen you like this before though. He asked if it’s alright for him to come fetch me every time we need to meet.

Our common factor reminds of you always. How life would have turned out differently had you not passed on after that accident. How you would not stop asking about me. How you would not stop hoping to hold me in your arms yet again. So long see you whenever.

 

 

 

 

I have fallen

Yes I have fallen………

 

I have fallen off a wagon.

 

I have fallen in love with you.

 

I have fallen for your tricks again.

 

I fallen yet again on my head.

 

I have fallen

 

You think that I would fall again for the same trick? Think again man I won’t do that and can’t do that. I know I seem stupid and all but there is something that always goes berserk each time you make a move on me sucker. Yeah I remembers that our 1st date we went to the movies and now you are trying to relive it again. Ah well it’s up to you really as to what memories you hold on to. I hold on to the lies and promised you never fulfilled. Oh today I am good enough for your babies, how many were they when we 1st met? How many are they now? Just like before lets keep it that. You couldn’t trust me enough to be honest with me hey. Ya ne. I still have your proposal and ring.

Again you make promises in front of your friends that we will be together forever and ever? You know you can’t and won’t make it happen. Just because you are in dire doesn’t mean that there is changes. You shall never and you will never be honest with me I am not what you are looking for in a partner. I am only good when you want to use me. Yes use me however way suits you.

Yes you will keep on stealing my ideas. You don’t want to see get out of the gutter just because I am not with you. It is your own doing. Couldn’t we have taken things as per our plan? Not put on any pressure, less impossible expectations. Would you have loved me more had I had your baby? Didn’t you want us to enjoy each other’s company before having kids? Gunshot marriage is that what you always wanted? How could I have handled you with that green monster?  Did you love me enough not to worry about the baby I might have carried for you? You made a promise and I sure hope you keep. I trust you’ll remember it and I shall remind you should you step otherwise.

Why couldn’t you have given me chance to find myself? You wanted marriage and I felt I was young to be tied down like that. How does it feel to be caught between 2 people you claim to love? I think I wouldn’t have survived the fact that you are in love with someone else other me.

I can’t be part of entourage, couldn’t be then and I won’t be. I understand that distance played a role but you could have comprised as I did for you. Anyway everything happens for a reason hence you couldn’t be faithful to me. I got to say I am glad that you left me now I don’t have to be worried about the diseases I might pick up cos you don’t condomise.

I was spoil t and respected by you even we often had our fights. What we had was the best so far. I just hope you would continue to do that to the woman you would end up marrying. I still don’t know what makes you so special however I became attached to you and you to me. We became one. I enjoyed our time together. You taught me a lot in forgiving those who have hurt us and moving on with our lives. Here we are living a healthy life. Thank you may you continue being your pleasant self. I can’t forget those eyes. Beautiful as they are.

I know you were really attracted to me the 1st time you laid your eyes on me. You waited for how many years before you made a move on me? You even have a baby but you still respected my space and kept your feelings to yourself. Now you can’t wait a week yet you waited so long? I know that you want to be with me but the situation is not conducive enough. Even though I could not understand what you were saying about me however I could tell that there is something there in your eyes, your touch, your smile. You were speaking about me hence I felt a bit shy when you approached. Yes that shocked look when you saw my upper body as my baby undone my dress. Yes everybody who matters to you knows about me and they respect me thank you. The compliments I get I shall cherish them even though it’s too late now we can’t be together there is other people involved. I cherish your honesty about yourself. I realized that you don’t know much about me and actually don’t care. You saw what you saw and it shall remain like that.

I am single however respect the fact that I do not want you in my space. My space my home if you are serious about us you would find a place for us. I am not boarding and free lodger place. I want my kids and friends to have the freedom to come and go as they please besides I am not all for my kids to see different men in our house. I want them to feel safe as they do right now. Yes different men I dare say.

After you had whatever you wanted you will and another will assume it’s free boarding and lodging in my place and I will end up with married men as partners cos I will be having a place for all of them to sleep. I respect my space as much as you respect yours. Besides you former girlfriend is like a daughter to me. Yes I may seem young and naive however you were the greatest teachers a person would have and thank you for all the life’s lessons that you taught me. May your continue to teach others as you did with me.

 

In all fairness……

The year 2016 came in with stories horror I tell you.

We had story of a very young girl who died of drug overdose and was sort of gang raped by a number of boys. Yes I said it. I don’t know whether she had intentions of sleeping with this boys or did they took a chance just as she passed out. The fact that our boys had sex with her even though she was unresponsive is repulsive. They laughed about it saying ‘oh she is pretending to be asleep a good fuck will wake her up’. The audacity, the nerve to even think about it. Yes apparently her drink was also spiked. What kind of kids are we raising up?

Another was also found dead in an empty room only the remainder of drugs etc. She was also bleeding and again it was somebody’s house. Is cheap drugs flooding townships? Every place has it’s own type of drug but lately we have seen influx of cheapest cocaine and crack.

A well known drug addict also died from this cheap thing they call it “MONYOPI”. What is scary is who is the manufacturer of this cheap drug, the distributor cos it seems like the known dealers do not sell it, it’s new players.

In another incident someone was fed crack and took it in. Needed to be drained the poison from the body. Yes we have had our usual staff as per region however there is some business people who think otherwise creating their own market. Business skill 101 however with the undesired product.

I just wonder how many incidents are there that we are not aware of however the scourge of drugs is an issue for the whole community. I wonder how many nyaope babies are we having. Do they look like crack babies? Do they have cravings as well? You see a lot of couples smoking together and the fairer sex is preggies. It’s worrying though drug issue is being addressed but do we consider the pregnant couples?

You think you know

You think you’ll eventually belong there, alas think again? You are nothing but a daughter in law and will remain such. You will never replace any of my children however you will be part of my son’s life. Yes you can have as many babies as you want. It’s your decision after all.

 

Yes they may pretend that you are the most important part of their family yep treat you with respect in front of their beloved son or brother particularly if he is the breadwinner. They will give you that illusion that you are part of them. “Them” ha alas you will never be besides blood is thicker than water. You said that it does not matter whether I have a child or not and indeed it did not matter. You never said that it bothered you that your first born will be my second born. You did not say anything about my child is not your How do you say it “your blood”. Yet you had the audacity to be jealous when some other people wanted to approach. You ring fenced me. You made sure that they do not come near me or I do not even see or even notice their intentions. Yes I had eyes for no one except you but it was not necessary to string me along.

Am I responsible for your previous experiences? I don’t think so and it is unfair to make me pay for what previous exes did to you. Did I bore you? Why didn’t you tell me? Was it necessary to compare me to your other girlfriends? Was it wrong for me to want the best that I think I deserve? I still don’t. So live with your choices I will live with mine.

You never felt the need to support me however you need my support. Stop sending people to come and ask me to come visit. I am super fine just like you are. You were never there when I needed you so don’t expect magic. What goes around comes around and for you it came a lot sooner than I thought. How does it feel now that you are experiencing what I am experiencing?

Yoh now you think I am a naive just becos I smile with you. I am just civil for my sake. I can’t keep carrying grudges, you are not worth it. What I often ask myself is “What would I have done, had you done that to me?”. Life goes on after.

You met my sister a few years ago however you call her a witch. Wow that’s all I can say. You think you know. It actually shows what kind of household you are from. Gossiping is part and parcel of who you are. Let me let you into a little secret stupid things amuses small minds. Think again.

 

You thought you were God’s gift to me ha think again. I am doing well without and I have little or no regret re: my engagement with you. You taught me thank you for the lesson. One question though ” What did you take me for? Yes I know I do not know my blood line but that does not make you any better than me at least I know that I might be a mixed breed. I am gorgeous hence you noticed me hey. I know I am something else.

Let me assure you I LOVE MY KIDS yours included even though you felt that you don’t want once the baby was born. You took me for a fool. Good luck in your endeavors.