I have fallen

Yes I have fallen………

 

I have fallen off a wagon.

 

I have fallen in love with you.

 

I have fallen for your tricks again.

 

I fallen yet again on my head.

 

I have fallen

 

You think that I would fall again for the same trick? Think again man I won’t do that and can’t do that. I know I seem stupid and all but there is something that always goes berserk each time you make a move on me sucker. Yeah I remembers that our 1st date we went to the movies and now you are trying to relive it again. Ah well it’s up to you really as to what memories you hold on to. I hold on to the lies and promised you never fulfilled. Oh today I am good enough for your babies, how many were they when we 1st met? How many are they now? Just like before lets keep it that. You couldn’t trust me enough to be honest with me hey. Ya ne. I still have your proposal and ring.

Again you make promises in front of your friends that we will be together forever and ever? You know you can’t and won’t make it happen. Just because you are in dire doesn’t mean that there is changes. You shall never and you will never be honest with me I am not what you are looking for in a partner. I am only good when you want to use me. Yes use me however way suits you.

Yes you will keep on stealing my ideas. You don’t want to see get out of the gutter just because I am not with you. It is your own doing. Couldn’t we have taken things as per our plan? Not put on any pressure, less impossible expectations. Would you have loved me more had I had your baby? Didn’t you want us to enjoy each other’s company before having kids? Gunshot marriage is that what you always wanted? How could I have handled you with that green monster?  Did you love me enough not to worry about the baby I might have carried for you? You made a promise and I sure hope you keep. I trust you’ll remember it and I shall remind you should you step otherwise.

Why couldn’t you have given me chance to find myself? You wanted marriage and I felt I was young to be tied down like that. How does it feel to be caught between 2 people you claim to love? I think I wouldn’t have survived the fact that you are in love with someone else other me.

I can’t be part of entourage, couldn’t be then and I won’t be. I understand that distance played a role but you could have comprised as I did for you. Anyway everything happens for a reason hence you couldn’t be faithful to me. I got to say I am glad that you left me now I don’t have to be worried about the diseases I might pick up cos you don’t condomise.

I was spoil t and respected by you even we often had our fights. What we had was the best so far. I just hope you would continue to do that to the woman you would end up marrying. I still don’t know what makes you so special however I became attached to you and you to me. We became one. I enjoyed our time together. You taught me a lot in forgiving those who have hurt us and moving on with our lives. Here we are living a healthy life. Thank you may you continue being your pleasant self. I can’t forget those eyes. Beautiful as they are.

I know you were really attracted to me the 1st time you laid your eyes on me. You waited for how many years before you made a move on me? You even have a baby but you still respected my space and kept your feelings to yourself. Now you can’t wait a week yet you waited so long? I know that you want to be with me but the situation is not conducive enough. Even though I could not understand what you were saying about me however I could tell that there is something there in your eyes, your touch, your smile. You were speaking about me hence I felt a bit shy when you approached. Yes that shocked look when you saw my upper body as my baby undone my dress. Yes everybody who matters to you knows about me and they respect me thank you. The compliments I get I shall cherish them even though it’s too late now we can’t be together there is other people involved. I cherish your honesty about yourself. I realized that you don’t know much about me and actually don’t care. You saw what you saw and it shall remain like that.

I am single however respect the fact that I do not want you in my space. My space my home if you are serious about us you would find a place for us. I am not boarding and free lodger place. I want my kids and friends to have the freedom to come and go as they please besides I am not all for my kids to see different men in our house. I want them to feel safe as they do right now. Yes different men I dare say.

After you had whatever you wanted you will and another will assume it’s free boarding and lodging in my place and I will end up with married men as partners cos I will be having a place for all of them to sleep. I respect my space as much as you respect yours. Besides you former girlfriend is like a daughter to me. Yes I may seem young and naive however you were the greatest teachers a person would have and thank you for all the life’s lessons that you taught me. May your continue to teach others as you did with me.

 

Fear that we all have

I am living in fear that he’ll or she’ll  pass on. Yes last year was touch and go but she is still here. We still don’t know what was causing all this discomfort. Fear gripped us and for a moment we remembered her status.

 

He started coughing and wouldn’t just go away, it went on and on for some time and we asked him to take the tests. They turned out negative for what we thought it would be. Again fear gripped us and status issue resurfaced. We all thought that he will live to celebrate 10 years knowing his status. Yes he is going to live. Still we don’t know what caused the discomfort.

 

Yes both of you are sick, now we wonder what is happening? Are you taking your medication? Have you given up the battle or are you still fighting? My wish is for you to outlive a whole lot of users out there. Take us by surprise bury them 1st before they could bury you.

 

The swelling had gone down and he was getting to be comfortable living with his life partner however the swelling came back full force and he lost the battle, he passed on.

 

Yes strides have been made in the AIDS pandemic however each time something happens their status comes back in mind that they are HIV +. We don’t think about anything else.

Yep we do not share our fears. We all cry in our little dark corners.

 

This means we will never ever accept the virus though it has been with us for some time now. Your will always determine who or what you are. After all it is human nature to class.

A day in the saloonp

 

My daughter dyed her hair blue. Blue I said.

Funny some 20 odd years I also braided my hair with a blue hair piece. I didn’t realize it last year when she was looking for a blue hair dye. I looked at her kind a awkwardly however her look  for it. I totally forgot that I once went through that phase of color.

For me then it was a vibrant color, youthful for me. The color suited my skin color. Haha by then I was aspiring to be a business manager. Imagine business manager with blue hair. Now it is my daughter with the same hair color. When she came home with dyed her I was amazed actually surprised that she finally got what she wanted.

Yes it might come as a surprise to you but the daughter is following in mom’s footsteps however differently so. My mom seemed kinda more stable not the venturous type when coming to her looks. She was more of lady than I could ever be. (God bless her soul).

People’s comment seemed not have any effect on me, didn’t bother at all. Yeah it still does not. My daughter seemed to have inherited the same trade which is good for her.

Her son was mesmerized by her look, kept on touching her and complimenting her. Saloon is part and parcel of every woman’s life. Home or otherwise it is part of who we are and who we become.

My baby is bluetiful. Love her look.

 

Introductions

How is they are done?

In most cases introductions are sealed by handshakes but this one was different from normal introductions.

We went out for over 6 months without touching or even kissing each other. On your this particular day you choose you decided that it was time for me to meet your family and to know your place.

You came to collect me early in the morning around 6 o’clock. We went for a champagne breakfast and after that we were given a picnic basket instead we went to your house. It was my first time there but definitely not my last. We were just two of us there if my memory served me.

We ended up in the master bedroom and we stayed there for the rest of the day. That day I saw a horror movie in the broad daylight. No mercy shown on the poor partner in crime.

We had a shower and followed each other out of the bedroom, looking for food, hand in hand out of your bedroom only to find your whole family there waiting for us to emerge. My eyes were red from crying and I was still complaining whilst you were grinning from ear to ear.

my shock when I saw them and meeting them for the first time. ” Well Mrs ……… meet my family ” as you introduced them. You were proud very proud indeed only to find the bloodied t-shirt we used in the sitting room on top of the table everybody eyeing it with smiles.

Yep it was a very special day for you. Your birthday and your horn that you have been blowing proved to be correct. Indeed I buckled under you, you were the MAN. Your family was very proud of you especially your father who gave you a pat at the back, your brothers paying up the bet you had about me.

I couldn’t look them in the eye I still can’t but you didn’t give a hoot it was your BIRTHDAY and you had your best present ever on a silver platter.

I don’t know how you introduce your girlfriends in your household but this ………….

Maybe it is called love

I don’t know what to call but maybe to some it is called LOVE. LOVE seems like a nice thing however the way some people show it, it sometimes leaves me confused. I don’t know I am confused, baffled.

We show our insecurities differently I guess. I may choose to keep quiet, be more reserved, you know the unfriendly type.
Some may choose to be very loud, hateful, jealous of other people they think are better than them.
Some may choose to be rather humiliated, take their punishment like big boys and girl, you know the brave way.
Some may choose talkative, get advise from other people, you know the coward way.

I don’t know but either way all this slowly erodes you, eats you away, turns you into someone you never recognize.

The best way to deal with all this is to ask for help but sometimes while you are the victim you never see yourself as the victim. You think it is LOVE.

I come from a family that taught me to socialize, listen, never judge or assume you know better than the next person and try to understand or put yourself in other people’s shoes.

Up to today I still cannot fathom that this is another form of abuse. Yes abuse I don’t know where it falls namely physical, mental etc. What used to happen is one is subjected to pain as a form of control mode. Yes you are hurt either by way of actions (slapping), verbally and ignoring as if you are not there. Yes I’ve seen that happen. Your family ignore me and in order to be recognized or be accepted as a family member I must scrape their …… That’s where you open up for all kinds of abuse because now you are seeking acceptance. I know that is done in prison as part of their search routine however was it necessary for your to do it. Oh yes that was quite humiliating to succumb oneself to that level of treatment. Maybe one should have taken a leave out of your book did cavity search to you. What are you looking for actually?

Please enlighten me because that left me disgusted once I realized what was going on.

The smiles, clothes, hairstyles that we wear hide a lot of things but being an abuser isn’t suppose to be one of them. Doesn’t suit you or anyone for that matter. Since the community holds you highly and dearly.

You know I was taught that the mentally unstable people don’t always run around swearing and chasing people or pick up dirt or run around naked, dirty but they come in all forms even the most cleanest, normal looking ordinary guy can be very unstable just that they choose to show their instability whenever it suits them or at places they feel comfortable. Oh yes just wanted to know do also do that to your current lover, you know do you search her as well? Maybe she is very lucky indeed she doesn’t need to succumb to that, she must be very special or she also chooses to keep it to herself just smile and wave.

Let go be gone

I don’t think other people understand the meaning of this.

I am serious “Let go be gone”.. I mean it.

I moved on with my life even though you are still caught up in whatever you think you can still hold on.

Yes I get it and I also see you but lets move on brother and sister.

Whatever we had we had.

I respected you thinking that you would do the same with me but alas I was in dreamland as always.

Why did you do that to me?

I should have known that your insecurities reflected your dishonesty, you had affairs all over the show. You were once jealous of a porter. Yes the guy was smitten however it ended just there and I don’t think he would have asked for my numbers even if he did I don’t think he could afford to fly over to see me.

Yes I do attract them however being friendly with them doesn’t mean I would sleep with them.

Yes you did sleep around while you were sleeping with me and lucky for you I found out late. Like i said before i don’t share my toys that included you.

Why did you do that? Why did you play me like that? You made your bed now lie in it. I took it that you were happy with your choice but clearly I am mistaken.

Why did you go behind my back asking about me? You could have came to me and asked all you wanted to you know. Because of you I am healthy, more careful with you I associate myself with.

Yep when I lost my virginity you were standing right there watching me surely you could have said something right there but you didn’t I guess you lacked courage then. Yep I couldn’t give you a child because I didn’t want to and I never believed in shotgun marriage. You terms and conditions were way too hectic for me. You never respected me for who I was or who I am. Yes I know that you are still crazy about me however not as a successful being only as your dependent. I do have pride you know.

It makes me more curious about you, as a human being, your thoughts.

Yes you abused me in ways I never thought possible particularly from a being of your caliber. I respected you either way. Yes you would do those things and I never questioned you. You requested hiv/aids tests every 6 months and I did comply. Whereas you I never knew your results and you were taking meds on daily basis. I never bothered to ask you, gave you the space you required.

You are happily married now and please do forget about me and move on. You’ll never ever lay besides me. I am jealous you know hence I don’t share my toys. Once you touch another being the way you touched me and I find out condition is you leave me in pieces. I knew you had affairs however I didn’t go out and search for those people. I never questioned you when you spoke to anyone instead I gave that space, I didn’t mind waiting for you.

Yeah remember when one of your friends wanted to make a move on me and you forbade me, you commanded that i cut ties and I did without making a scene even though that move cost me a huge chunk of my income. You never thought the repercussions of your actions, only your feelings mattered. Yeah you taught me quite a lot hey one thing that stuck in my mind is sunny-side up. That is still clear as daylight. You would wake me up to cook it for you and I did that with a smile. You were difficult to please but since I allowed you to do that I humbled myself to that level. I had meetings that were very important to me however as long as you were not approving of them I ensured that they never disturbed you even though they would wake you up for whatever. Yes you were my hero and you will still remain as such however don’t push unsavory agendas under the pretext of loving me.

You trampled upon my dignity, you were arrogant while doing that despite that I pushed on. You abused me both emotionally and mentally. You did things to me that I failed to understand till today. I just cannot fathom what did I do to deserve such treatment from you. Well let bygones be bygones.

My mother warned me about your type but I was already within your clutches, all I had to do was to wait for you to leave me. Yeah forever smiling, very shy and you never kept eye contact. I always wondered why and you still do that I guess it’s true “eyes are windows to your soul”. I know now that you have demons.

Let go be gone. SALUTE. You need help end of story. Just let me be please.

Can’t we forgive and not forget?

You didn’t wait to be introduced properly to the church community but you were part of it already. I wondered if you know that they do have marriage counselling, to avoid surprises after you married into their community. I also wonder if you knew that as per church’s rules and regulations you do not DIVORCE. It’s unheard of.

Let bygones be bygones,he has passed on just do the right thing culturally. Just go bury him please.

You might be still angry, disappointed at him that you eventually parted ways but then again I said it please do the right thing, go mourn properly culturally and religiously so.

You had fights before and after each fight you refused to leave even if asked to do so by him. Yep we understand your marriage reached its sell by date very soon but what has happened has happened. Lets move on.

It is very sad indeed when two lovers part ways and loath each other. How come two people hate each other so much? How so? Is it an issue of not finding closure? For pete sake you do have a baby girl together, how are you going to raise her? Bitter as you? Think about other people this issue affects besides you.

All the best in all your endeavors however. Know that I still love and will support however way.