Last night I became one

If you didn’t die would I have been your conquest ? I mean would I  still be a one night stand? I learned about your death years later after that night. apparently you graduated top of your class and you did your experiential learning at the same hospital even worked there for 3 years. During that 3 years you were looking for me, searching for me high and low. You met your death coming from my house, devastated and despondent.

Apparently you once came looking for me and I was neither here or there. You tried leaving messages for me but alas no response from me. You even came several times to my house but all these efforts yielded no results. You also saw me and tried to get my attention but I just looked at you and never responded. I turned and walked away from you. You even comforted me when my father passed on. You were there with me.

I just can’t remember how we ended in bed together that night. How did we meet? I can’t remember even your man however someone keeps on telling me about you, how looked for me after that night. The fact that I ended up in bed with you still haunts me. Actually bothers me a lot. We met that night but we ended sleeping together. However I am grateful to have met you. You were a true gentleman. Condoms were not easily available back then but you had them and you ensured we used them and properly at that. You made sure that I got home safe even if you didn’t take me there but you ensured that I arrive safe and you phoned to confirm that I got home safe. You even told me that you don’t trust the transporter however you were a beggar so we didn’t have a choice but to accept his offer to take me home. Well I was the 1st to be dropped at home as per your request and was given money to come next week again as you wanted to see me again. I wasn’t so sure about it. The money was shoved into my pockets. Never  used it though I was waiting for your call.

I can’t remember anything except that we ended up in your friend’s couch for the night. I remember the light, sitting on the stoep and a group of people sitting in a circle though. You came and occupied the next to me and the guy who was sitting moved to another chair. you ignored everybody. It was like we were in our own  world until it was time to sleep and you remembered that you don’t have a place to sleep for the night. You asked to wait for you while you spoke to your friend who already offered us his couch.

You told me your dreams. Time and again you would tell me that you were from Natal. You came here to study and you have to fulfil that promise as you come rural area and a poor home. You wanted to improve your parent’s life back home. It was exam  time the Monday we woke up together you were writing your last and very important exam and you had few more hours still left on your experiential learning. You apologised though for what was happening right and promised to make it right. You begged me to forgive you for not being there for me. You told me that you will work here for a few years and move closer to your home and if I was willing to come with you start a new life in another province with a new family. You told you were getting a car because you were tired of travelling with buses and taxis.

I heard you graduated cam laude and your parents were flown  from Natal to your graduation. Apparently your older brother threw a hell of a party. I also a shout out from your brother daring me to show my face. Apparently your family wanted to meet me now that they were here. I wonder what did you tell them about me. Did you even remember my name though cos I can’t remember yours? maybe I chose to forget it because you became one of those bad memories. I think you hurt me deeply and emotionally so hence I only remember snippets of our meeting.

Today I would like to bid you farewell. I would like to forget you, move on with my life. I would say we were not meant to be. It’s one of those but know this you taught me how to use a condom, be wary of guys like you and be strong never show emotions.

We made love or had sex all through out the night. we used all 8 condoms you had. You woke me up each time I fell asleep in your arms. You told me how much loved me even if we just met. You told me that you will be leaving early in the morning and indeed you woke me up at around 04:30 am to shower with you. We looked for cups to make coffee or tea whilst you were waiting for your transport to school and you had to go extra early to finish up whatever I never knew never bothered to ask. You had your backpack with your books. I paged through and you asked if I married you would I like to study your field of study full-time? You would pay for me. I just looked at you never responded. Your hands cupped my face in your hands kissed me passionately time and time again until you heard a tap on your shoulder. It was the transport guy. He came for us. He dropped of at the gate of the university, again you kissed me, only this time tears rolled down my face and you wiped them begging for forgiveness. I did not like the way you were letting me go. The transporter consoled me along the way that he is certain I wasn’t a one night stand for you. His words were ” you are beautiful and my boy would be a fool to let such a beautiful girl walk away from him just after 1 night.” He saw love in your eyes. He has known you for several years and he has seen you like this before though. He asked if it’s alright for him to come fetch me every time we need to meet.

Our common factor reminds of you always. How life would have turned out differently had you not passed on after that accident. How you would not stop asking about me. How you would not stop hoping to hold me in your arms yet again. So long see you whenever.

 

 

 

 

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Fear that we all have

I am living in fear that he’ll or she’ll  pass on. Yes last year was touch and go but she is still here. We still don’t know what was causing all this discomfort. Fear gripped us and for a moment we remembered her status.

 

He started coughing and wouldn’t just go away, it went on and on for some time and we asked him to take the tests. They turned out negative for what we thought it would be. Again fear gripped us and status issue resurfaced. We all thought that he will live to celebrate 10 years knowing his status. Yes he is going to live. Still we don’t know what caused the discomfort.

 

Yes both of you are sick, now we wonder what is happening? Are you taking your medication? Have you given up the battle or are you still fighting? My wish is for you to outlive a whole lot of users out there. Take us by surprise bury them 1st before they could bury you.

 

The swelling had gone down and he was getting to be comfortable living with his life partner however the swelling came back full force and he lost the battle, he passed on.

 

Yes strides have been made in the AIDS pandemic however each time something happens their status comes back in mind that they are HIV +. We don’t think about anything else.

Yep we do not share our fears. We all cry in our little dark corners.

 

This means we will never ever accept the virus though it has been with us for some time now. Your will always determine who or what you are. After all it is human nature to class.